My Milkiway High

It came as a surprise to us that on a galactic scale the theories of biology still applied.

But then again: we weren’t much of a scientific species to begin with.

We were very late to the party when it came to space travel.

Once we reached for the stars, most of the market of the intergalactic economy had been filled. Like in a climax-ecosystem, we had to specialize in something.

Luckily the same thing that had slowed down science also proved to be our most valuable asset.

It hadn’t been the most popular political decision ever made but enlarging the human flotilla by a factor 200 had proven the most lucrative move our species had ever made.

Of course, it would have been great if we could have been the Milky Way’s number one provider in literature or mathematics but it so happened that killing things was what we’re good at.

Since I was young I’ve been looking at the skies. Smoking away my cannabis daily.

However, I had stopped as I grew older. Getting high wasn’t too great for me, but I started getting into CBD.

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One of my friends, Zorg, used to say that if there was one species that would rule the Galaxy one day it was the humans.

There certainly was a truth in that; we were the best at what we did. Since we arrived on the scene all other species that were offering themselves as mercenaries had gone out of business.

There simply was no keeping your business going when you’re extinct.

But I knew Zorg was kidding, every human knew.

The humans would obviously never conquer the universe because the Slimiites of sector 9-XA had quantum illustrators.

We’d never stand a chance against those. We could never conquer any other planet either because of a whole chaos of alliances that would always end up in us versus the Slimiites, which we’d lose.

The problem was that our game was one of tactics, not one of inventing weapons.

Our ambitions of dominating all of everything forever had seemed like impossible dreams.

Until today.

I was on one of the ships that would bring us to the final war we’d every fight as mercenaries.

A very last job offered by the Kwuarks; a quick little battle to extinction.

It was an insignificant little ordeal about CBD oil and some unresolved argument between two leaders. It was a dumb reason to go to war but we had ended civilizations because of less.

The CBD oil had been promised to be all ours.

But who the hell cared about CBD oil?

Like really, what are you going to accomplish by smoking cannabis?

You’re not going to get very far with CBD oil.

In fact, what we’d most likely do with all that oil was just burn the whole planet down. It was too costly to transport cannabis and we might as well do something constructive with it.

We hadn’t gone into this war because of CBD oil, we were in it for the THC.

I looked at the gun in my hands.

She was a beauty. A tool of destruction that would make any man’s heart beat faster.

We had received the first batch of these lovely killing machines we had quickly taken over our the Kwuarkian solar system to get the rest of them, and the only reason we were still going to kill the target was because these babies were in dire need to be tried out on some targets.

I remember smoking weed in a coffee shop in Amsterdam once with Zorg, who had come to earth with the delegation of Kwuarks.

‘I had never expected anyone to ever create a more deadly weapon than the Slimiites’ I told him. ‘Is not more deadly than quantum fusillator, merely makes unstoppable gravitational shockwave.’

He told me. Thinking back I had to smile.

Such a Kwuark he was, he completely missed the point. He would never understand power, or domination for that matter.

The ship landed and we rushed out, all with the usual military precision we were known for.

Within five minutes thirty ships had landed and seventy thousand marines stood in formation.

The aliens were on us within another five minutes. They tried to rush us. Poor suckers.

I got to shoot for the first time. It was awesome firing something that had a knock back.

Firing lasers doesn’t have any weight to it, which diminished the experience.

I watched a vibration move through the air, rip one of the aliens apart completely.

Blood and little pieces of purple meat rained down. The wave continued to do the same with a tank that stood behind it.

That thing must have been nano-fortified at least, and the gun ripped it apart like paper.

I looked at my gun in awe.

I could kiss it.

Looking at the destruction I thought again of the talk I had with Zorg. I had asked him if he understood the significance a weapon like this would have.

‘It will not matter much.’ he had said. ‘You could hardly take care of your own planet before your space-age.

You will need other species to help you were you lack. Species need each other to live, it is the way of nature.’

It made me laugh out loud. These aliens and their petty ideas cracked me up.

On earth we weren’t part of the way of nature, in fact, we had killed that too. And in space, we would do the same thing.